Feeling No Pain

July 1, 1994

“Feeling no pain” was an idiomatic way of expressing that one was merrily tipsy, not raucously pie-eyed because of consumption of alcoholic beverages. I don’t know if this is still a common expression. This is a musing on “feeling no pain,” or more accurately, LESS pain.

I won’t blame you, if upon reading this, you conclude that the ol’ feller is weighing in at less than 16 ounces to the pound; or is 10 cents short of a dollar (upstairs); or in some fashion is losing his marbles. But this is my story; I stick to it, for the time being at least.

As most of you know, arthritis is one of the burdens incumbent on the great privilege of living to be old. My lower back can ache considerably under a variety of conditions; my knees are both painful and awkward, particularly climbing stairs; my right thumb is no longer a strong twister. This is not to complain about such annoyances, particularly when one considers the alternative, but to set the stage.

Last Saturday or Sunday, somewhere in my reading, I came across a formula for mitigating the pain of arthritis. I cannot locate where I came across the alleged remedy, but here it is:

Empty a box of raisins in a bowl. Cover the raisins with gin. When the raisins have absorbed all the gin, refrigerate. Then eat 11 raisins a day for relief from arthritic pain.

So, I says to myself, let’s try it (although I didn’t see any need for the intermediate step of raisins). So, instead of Scotch, I substituted two ounces of gin per day. This practice has been in effect for almost a week – AND MY ARTHRITIS HURTS LESS.

Chuckle all you want – it’s OK to say “it’s the placebo effect,” “it’s the power of suggestion,” “it’s all in his head” - BUT, I don’t hurt so much! Remember Hamlet said to Rosencrantz, “for there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

If you know that booze gives you much more tsouris than arthritis, don’t even think about this alleged remedy. However, I shall continue this liquid therapy. If I am helped by a very cheap Lake Alfred gin (raw spirits with a berry flavor) maybe I’ll do even better with my next purchase, a “high-rent” gin such as Boodles or Bombay. We shall see.

September 1: No need to take back one word. Whatever the reason, it is still working.

October 1: Ditto.