Funny

February 12, 2000

While there is an idea or two cooking for MUSINGS 2000, the newest book to come to me sparks the first musing of this new year. If, as I do, you happen to believe in the healing power of humor and salvation by laughter, have I got a book for you!!! THE STUPIDEST THINGS EVER SAID BY POLITICIANS, by Ross and Kathryn Petras, will give you moments of hilarity on the darkest days. Dan Quayle seems to have the most citations, but Presidents Bush and Clinton are well represented. But there are many others who qualify for the title of this book. Here are samples:

ON THE AIR FORCE, UNWORRIED
[The Air Force is pleased with the performance of the C5A cargo plane], although having the wings fall off at eight thousand hours is a problem.
– Major General Charles F. Kuyk, Jr.

ON THE ALAMO, ENEMY SOLDIERS WE NEVER KNEW WERE THERE
[Alamo defender William Barret Travis] is the guy that with three thousand Russians threatening to attack ....
– Senator Strom Thurmond when campaigning for reelection in his hometown of Edgefield, South Carolina, reminding the audience of local heroes including Alamo defender, William Barret Travis.

ON ANIMALS, INTERESTING DEMOCRATIC OBSERVATIONS ABOUT
A zebra cannot change its spots.
– Vice President Al Gore

ON THE FUTURE. WHERE IT IS ...
It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward into the future or past to the back.
– Vice President Dan Quayle

ON DESEXED WORDS
Personhole is not an acceptable desexed word.
– Shirley Dean, councilperson from the Berkeley, California, City Council, explaining why the council had changed the wording in a sewer equipment request back to “manhole cover.”

ON HUMAN RIGHTS, GREAT MOMENTS IN
You hear about constitutional rights, free speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to myself, “That man is a Red. That man is a Communist.” You never hear a real American talk like that.
– Mayor Frank Hague, Jersey City, New Jersey, 1938

ON METAPHORS, VERY BADLY MIXED
I wanted to have all my ducks in a row so that if we did get into a posture, we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
– Mayor Lee Cooke of Austin, Texas

ON POLLUTION. WHAT IT REALLY IS
It isn’t pollution that’s harming our environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
– Vice President Dan Quayle

ON THANK YOUS, DAMP
I cannot tell you how grateful I am – I am filled with humidity.
– Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House.

ON X-RATED MOMENTS IN PROVINCIAL LEGISLATURE
Mr. Speaker! Mr. Speaker! Won’t you please bang that thing of yours on the table.
– Agnes Kripps, Canadian Socred, to the Speaker of the British Columbia legislature during a heated discussion on sexual terminology.

ON VISITS, INSIGHTFUL COMMENTS ON
I haven’t been to Michigan since the last time I was there.
– Attributed to Vice President Dan Quayle

Well, there’s a sampling. If, wherever you are, you pick up long-distance belly laughs, chuckles or hoots, you can surmise that I have picked up this book again.