There Will Always Be An England!

November 3, 1992

[Quoted from 10/20/92 AP article “Bats! Britons aren’t blind to sanctuary issue,” by Graham Heathcote:

“In one corner: Catherine Ward, wife of a country clergyman who has bats in two of the five churches in his care.

“ ‘They are vicious little creatures: they bite....’

“She says bat droppings stain pews, tombstones, fabric, hymnals, and prayer books.
...

“ ‘A bat missed me by about a foot during evensong,’ complained the Rev. Henry Chapman....
...

“ ‘What with the heritage lobby and the bat lobby I sometimes feel that congregations are becoming an endangered species,’ wrote the Rev. Timothy Shepherd....

“ ‘We like our bats,’ wrote a bat defendant, the Rev. Nicholas Beddow....

“ ‘The drumming of little bat feet and wings gives a useful and gentle bass line to our singing,’ he wrote, ‘and on occasion they fly in to play a more active part of our worship.’” ]

My title above is, of course, stolen from “The New Yorker” magazine, which uses this caption to report odd and eccentric items from the United Kingdom.

In these days when so much of the news is full of polls, politicians’ persiflage, negative accusations, false or irrelevant, and hot-air balloons of promises and pledges, I found welcome relief in this Tampa Tribune story about bats in English churches.

I do not know enough about bats to take sides in this issue – admittedly less than world-shaking. I do have a conviction about baseball bats – a pox on aluminum bats.

But I have led church services for nearly half a century. Thus I believe Mrs. Ward (see story) has a legitimate complaint. It would not do much for congregations I have served if bat droppings splashed on they hymnal as we sang “Light of Ages and of Nations.” Furthermore, there is enough difficulty in keeping audience interest in a sermon, let alone having the hearers constantly alert to prevent a bat-shit missile from scoring a direct hit.

I would like to meet the Rev. Nicholas Beddow (see story) because he must be: (1) a nutcake who is about 50 pence short of a quid, (2) a splendid example of the wry, understated British wit, or (3) a possessor of extraordinary sensory organs. He must either be a delight or a nuisance to his parishioners. “The drumming of little bat feet and wings gives a useful and gentle bass line to our singing, and on occasion they fly in to play a more active part of our worship.” Come on, Nicholas!!

Why did I muse on this item? This is Election Day. After I voted at 8:10 A.M., and must wait for fourteen hours or so to learn the outcome, I’m possessed by a strange eerie feeling I’m sure many share. Thus the comments on bats are an escape, far removed from the politics of a U.S. Presidential Election. (Or are they?)